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I can't remember if I've mentioned this here before - since I've been having a bad fit of laxity and not blogging much lately, probably not. Back in January, I took up fencing.
I'm not very good, I've only won three bouts so far and every week I come home from the club with a new set of bruises. But I'm loving it. So a few weeks ago, in a fit of I-know-not-what kind of insanity, I put my name down for a Novices' Foil competition. It's just a friendly, between London Saxons, the club I've joined, and Brunel University. It's tomorrow.
I'm now neck-deep in nerves. I have literally never done any kind of sporting contest in my life before. Back in my schooldays I was always one of the last people to be picked for anything - team captains would choose almost anyone else before me. I was overweight and short-sighted and clumsy, I couldn't run and I couldn't throw, hit or catch a ball. I let the side down in PE every single week. When I was finally able to stop doing Games at the age of fifteen, I cut up my PE shirt ceremonially for cleaning rags.
I realised back in the autumn that I needed to find some way of getting more exercise, and began looking for something I would actually enjoy enough to be motivated to keep it up. Since all the problems with running, throwing etc still persist, and I still cringe at the memory of my competitive streak being crushed by Miss Goldsmith yelling "You're not trying!" at me week after week while I tried my bloody damnedest, I looked for something where I wouldn't be part of a team, and would be able to measure against myself. And where I wouldn't need to hit, throw, run, etc.
Managed most of it. I do have to hit; but a person, not a ball.
The other club members are friendly, and by taking my shyness firmly in hand each week I have managed to start getting to know some of them a bit. Most of them are much sportier types than me, but they are all very pleasant people, and although I'm not the rugby-going or rugby-playing sort I feel welcomed by those who are, which is a first. And the fencing itself, I love.
It's hard to explain. It's a whole-body, whole-mind sport. I have to be completely focussed on the moment; I have to be working on technique, posture, balance, speed, strength and agility, and also thinking tactically, and trying to second-guess my opponent's tactics, and respond to what is happening when I have just a split second to see and analyse their moves. Mostly I get it wrong. But every failure teaches me something, and I come away each week totally exhilerated. Exhausted, yes; running in sweat and aching all over. But so happy I'm walking on air.
So, this contest. All my inner voices are telling me I must have lost my marbles, whatever was I thinking of, etc. I never compete. I never sign-up for anything like this. What on earth possessed me?
I know they are the voices of nervousness, because I'm doing something new. I know that letting that kind of formless, past-experience-exaggerating anxiety get the better of me is self-defeating and dangerous. I know it isn't madness to have done this. But I'm still terribly tense about it.
My last bout on Thursday was with a fencer with over a year's more experience than me, and I came within a couple of hits of beating her. She congratulated me at the end of the bout on how much I've improved. It was the best possible encouragement before this contest, and I came away feeling full of light and ready for anything. That is the feeling I need to remember tomorrow.
I am just a beginner still; I will be knocked out in the first round. But if I can score a few hits and learn something from the experience of competing than I will have achieved more than I've ever done in any sport; I will have taken part in an actual honest-to-god competition. Me, taking part. And that is a victory in itself.
Wish me luck!
I'm not very good, I've only won three bouts so far and every week I come home from the club with a new set of bruises. But I'm loving it. So a few weeks ago, in a fit of I-know-not-what kind of insanity, I put my name down for a Novices' Foil competition. It's just a friendly, between London Saxons, the club I've joined, and Brunel University. It's tomorrow.
I'm now neck-deep in nerves. I have literally never done any kind of sporting contest in my life before. Back in my schooldays I was always one of the last people to be picked for anything - team captains would choose almost anyone else before me. I was overweight and short-sighted and clumsy, I couldn't run and I couldn't throw, hit or catch a ball. I let the side down in PE every single week. When I was finally able to stop doing Games at the age of fifteen, I cut up my PE shirt ceremonially for cleaning rags.
I realised back in the autumn that I needed to find some way of getting more exercise, and began looking for something I would actually enjoy enough to be motivated to keep it up. Since all the problems with running, throwing etc still persist, and I still cringe at the memory of my competitive streak being crushed by Miss Goldsmith yelling "You're not trying!" at me week after week while I tried my bloody damnedest, I looked for something where I wouldn't be part of a team, and would be able to measure against myself. And where I wouldn't need to hit, throw, run, etc.
Managed most of it. I do have to hit; but a person, not a ball.
The other club members are friendly, and by taking my shyness firmly in hand each week I have managed to start getting to know some of them a bit. Most of them are much sportier types than me, but they are all very pleasant people, and although I'm not the rugby-going or rugby-playing sort I feel welcomed by those who are, which is a first. And the fencing itself, I love.
It's hard to explain. It's a whole-body, whole-mind sport. I have to be completely focussed on the moment; I have to be working on technique, posture, balance, speed, strength and agility, and also thinking tactically, and trying to second-guess my opponent's tactics, and respond to what is happening when I have just a split second to see and analyse their moves. Mostly I get it wrong. But every failure teaches me something, and I come away each week totally exhilerated. Exhausted, yes; running in sweat and aching all over. But so happy I'm walking on air.
So, this contest. All my inner voices are telling me I must have lost my marbles, whatever was I thinking of, etc. I never compete. I never sign-up for anything like this. What on earth possessed me?
I know they are the voices of nervousness, because I'm doing something new. I know that letting that kind of formless, past-experience-exaggerating anxiety get the better of me is self-defeating and dangerous. I know it isn't madness to have done this. But I'm still terribly tense about it.
My last bout on Thursday was with a fencer with over a year's more experience than me, and I came within a couple of hits of beating her. She congratulated me at the end of the bout on how much I've improved. It was the best possible encouragement before this contest, and I came away feeling full of light and ready for anything. That is the feeling I need to remember tomorrow.
I am just a beginner still; I will be knocked out in the first round. But if I can score a few hits and learn something from the experience of competing than I will have achieved more than I've ever done in any sport; I will have taken part in an actual honest-to-god competition. Me, taking part. And that is a victory in itself.
Wish me luck!
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